You don’t do anything! You’re not important!

When God made the human, all of the different parts wanted to be the boss.

The brain said "Since I do all the thinking, I must the be most important and I should be the boss." 

 The eyes said "I see everything and let the rest of you know where we are, so I'm the most important and I should be the boss." 

 The hands said "Without me we wouldn't be able to pick anything up or move anything. So I'm the most important and I should be the boss."

The stomach said "I turn the food we eat into energy for the rest of you. Without me, we'd starve. So I'm the most important and I should be the boss." 

 The legs said "Without me we wouldn't be able to move anywhere.So I'm the most important and I should be the boss." 

  Then the rectum spoke up. "I think I should be the boss." 

 All the rest of the parts of the body laughed and laughed and said "YOU?! You don't do anything! You're not important! 
You can't be in charge. You'll never be the boss." 

 So the rectum got angry and closed up. 

  After a few days, the legs were all wobbly, the stomach tightened up, the hands were all shaky, the eyes got all foggy and watery, and the brain couldn't think. 

  They all gave in because they couldn't take any more of this and agreed to make the rectum boss.

The moral of the story : You don't have to be the brain to be boss, just an asshole. :P

In your lifetime

In your lifetime you will find and meet one person who will love you more than anybody you have ever known and will know. They will love you with every bit of energy and soul. They will sacrifice, surrender and give so much that it scares you. Someday you’ll know who that is. Sometimes people realize who it was. ~Unknown

Some old men can still think fast

An elderly man in Florida had owned a large farm for several years. He had a large pond in the back.

It was properly shaped for swimming, so he fixed it up nice with picnic tables, horseshoe courts, and some apple, and peach trees.

One evening the old farmer decided to go down to the pond, as he hadn’t been there for a while, and look it over.

He grabbed a five-gallon bucket to bring back some fruit.

As he neared the pond, he heard voices shouting and laughing with glee.

As he came closer, he saw it was a bunch of young women skinny-dipping in his pond.

He made the women aware of his presence and they all went to the deep end.

One of the women shouted to him, ‘we’re not coming out until you leave!’

The old man frowned, ‘I didn’t come down here to watch you ladies swim naked or make you get out of the pond naked.’

Holding the bucket up he said, ‘I’m here to feed the alligator.’

Some old men can still think fast.